The Aftermath

Today's sermon at church was all about relationships, and marriage. And, me being the stubborn person that I am was like, "Oh. Well isn't that nice? He's not going to say anything I don't already know myself." HA! Yeah right. He hit me right where it hurts. One of the passages of scripture was on Ephesians 1:19-20, "I pray that you will begin to understand the INCREDIBLE GREATNESS of his power for us who believe him. This is the same MIGHTY POWER that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the PLACE OF HONOR at God's right hand in the heavenly realms." I put those words in caps, because the Lord really wanted me to see them. The INCREDIBLE GREATNESS of God and His plan for us. In every single thing we do. You don't have another breath in our lungs except for the fact that He has a reason for it. The MIGHTY POWER to make our lives SO amazing that we won't be able to see straight. And, the PLACE OF HONOR that the Lord will say, "I have kept you pure for the place of honor that I want you to be in. Not soiled from trying to fit into another person's place of honor."
Lately, I've been feeling very overwhelmed about relationships, and boyfriends, and desires to find the right one, and even, the fact that the Lord may want me to be single for the rest of my life. Now, granted I am only twenty years old, AND He has given me the desire to be married and be a mother. But, what if He did call me to a life of singleness? Would I be willing to say yes? Would I be willing to follow His plan for me no matter what it may cost me? I didn't know how to answer, other than, "I want Your will Father. Not mine. Give me Your desires, and remove the want for being married and being a mother, if Your will may be for me to remain single. Even for a season." I was like a robot. It came out before I knew what I'd said. And yet, it's been my constant prayer for the past few weeks. "I want Your will, Father. Yours. Whatever it is. I know You will not give me something we can't handle together, so let's go."
I feel like a crazy person now, because the sermon today really shook me up, and I'm not sure how to process it all. Pastor Chris talked about our two most basic human needs: Security and Significance. I thought, "Hey, I've got both I'm good." Then, he said, "A person can not function properly in a relationship, if they lack either one of these qualities that come from a relationship with Christ." *BANG* Shot in the heart. It didn't take long for the tears to well-up in my eyes. I realized right then, that I lack those things, because I search for my significance from having male attention. It stems from my past, and I've never dealt with it. Hence all the technology relationships. I have been praying about the fact that I didn't want another relationship that would take place that way, and how it would work to NOT have another one because of the society that we live in. I was scared. I had, and STILL have no idea how it's going to work. But, I know He can show me how to have a relationship without that same problem occurring again. All I have to do is ask Him, and give Him my life completely. Not just parts, not just some, ALL of it. I don't know what the out come is going to be, but I have got to STOP letting fear cripple me, and start changing and living my life like I truly believe in what I say I do!
I realized that I am in no way ready to be in a relationship. I'm not. That right there is a HUGE step for me. To admit that I'm not ready, and that I want to take time to become the "Ms. Right" for my future husband. I don't know how to start this process, or anything, and that for me is one scary thought. I'm a control freak, I need to know what's going on and I don't. Like my Daddy said earlier today, "There is no 12 step guide to becoming Ms. Right. Just focus all of your attention on the Lord, and you will become her without even trying." So, with a whole lot of prayer, I'm going to do just that. I am going to fully trust and rely on the One Man that accepts me "as is", messed up, scared, and totally ready to fall head over heels in love with Him.